Dear Jelly Bean (my miscarriage story)

On the 26th August 2016 I had a miscarriage. I am the 1 in 5. 

Dear Jelly Bean,

This is our story.

We tried for you for 5 years. You were loved before you were a twinkle in mine and your dads eye.

We found out about you on the Saturday 21st August 2015 and we were delighted. I must have looked at the line on the stick about a thousand times. You see me and your dad had seen a lot of negative tests and seeing the two lines was so unbelievable that your dad even walked to the local pharmacy and made me take the test again just to make sure.  

 Grandma was the 1st to know and wasn't she excited after tears and screeching down the phone wanting to shout to the whole world that you the little miracle were there. 

Your dads mum and dad were next to find out there reactions as loud and tearful as Grandma. My dad and step mum couldn't believe it and needed to see the test as I said your are a miracle. 

Sunday 22nd August I downloaded all the pregnancy apps and calculated that I was approximately 5 weeks and you would be due around the 20th April 2017. Excitedly we got the bus into the city center and dreamed about what prams, highchairs, cribs and clothes you would have. 

This day was the 1st day I recognized the symptoms I had been feeling for the last week were pregnancy symptoms. I nearly threw up in Starbucks at the smell of coffee and I have never looked at a tomato quite the same as I salivated and  wanted to eat one like an apple. 

Your dad and I walked hand and hand feeling the proudest we have ever felt you were our little secret that only a select few knew about.

Monday 23rd of August 2016 through a fog of nausea I worked and told the GP about you and she confirmed you would be an April baby. 

Wednesday 24th August 2016 I slept in to half 8 and had to run to the toilet for a wee (another pregnancy symptom) this is when the bleeding started a tiny amount at 1st but gradually heavier. 

My step mum took me to the Drs and came in with me. The Dr tried to reassure me and told me you were too small to show up on a scan and we would have to wait till the end of the week to see you. 

I'm sorry my mothering instincts told me your were going I really did want to believe you were going to stay with us. Your dad came home from work in a whirl wind of emotions and tears. We held each other and hoped it wasn't true. 

Thursday 25th August 2016 this was the day you left us. 

At 6am I went to the toilet you laid there on the tissue about the size of a blueberry I stared at you for a good 5 mins before I called for your dad to see you. The next few hours went by in a daze of tears, pacing and surprisingly cleaning. 

The Dr rang and confirmed you were gone at 10am and we were crushed. Your life flashed past my eyes 1st step, 1st word, 1st day at school, day trips to the seaside and graduating university. All three of us were robbed of a lifetime of happy memories. 

The days and weeks that have followed I have gone through a mass of emotions questioning whether I am a mum. Do I celebrate mothers day if I never held you or fed you. I may not of done these things but, I loved you every single second you were alive if not more. 

Your Nanny took you home with her and buried you in her garden you have a beautiful spot and your very own plaque and rose bush. You are so loved. 

Thursday 25th August 2016 is a day that will never be forgotten and you will never be forgotten. I will love you forever and even when/if we have more children you will always be my first. 

All my love. Always 

Mum xxx

What I ate Wednesday! (birthday edition)

Yesterday was my birthday and as a quick blog post thought I would write a quick post on what I ate while celebrating (disclosure I did not eat healthy and will be living off salad for the next month). 

Breakfast – A birthday tradition in our house is breakfast of your choice in bed while opening your gifts. I had toast with jam, hobnob biscuits and a very large cup of tea. 

Lunch – My brother brought me a Panini press for my birthday and sneakily my husband brought cheese and turkey ham so cheese and ham toasties it's was!! 

Afternoon tea – Sounds posher than it was my Grandma, Sister, Step Mum and Dad came round for coffee and chocolate cake the chocolate cake was super gooey and sickly my sweet toothed husband had two slices. 

Dinner – last night we went to wildwood the restaurant with my dad, step mum and little brother. The food was amazing and very filling. I had a mojito cocktail  it was very nice but very strong. Then for starters I ordered calamari with Cajun Mayo this was really well cooked and the Mayo had a lovely spicy kick. For mains I had a chicken burger with fries (me the picky eater gave my jalapeño and tomato to my husband). And then to the dessert and we all got sundaes mine was an Eton mess sundae and it was so decadent and rich I could only manage half. 

I had a lovely quiet birthday and today I am off to spend some of the vouchers and money I received. (And take shares out in kale 😜) 

Thanks for reading. 

Just Kelly xx

Birthday party

I am currently in bed suffering with the worst hangover I have had in a long time. My head is pounding, my tummy is churning and I am thirsty. I forgot what a real hangover felt like and I can't cope!! 

Last night however was amazing! My sister and I decorated the house in baby pink balloons and banners. My dad helped prepare the buffet and my amazing little brother and husband made a 6 layer rainbow cake. 

I felt so loved 14 of my closest friends and family all came and celebrated me turning the dreaded 30 (my actual birthday is on Wednesday) there was dancing, singing, rapping and an awful lot of cake. I had sparklers in my cake and we all toasted with apple sours and pink champagne. 

The night ended with a very very loud sing along to a cheesy hits playlist on Spotify. Also by the end of the night my  younger brother and sister were rapping to Macklemore downtown as our guests left the house for there taxis. All while our new neighbors were looking out there windows.

All I have done today is fill my dish washer, hoover confetti and cake from my dining room, eat far too much leftover buffet food (mainly sausage rolls and cheese straws) and watch Once Upon a Time and Doctor Who on Netflix. Please let this only last 1 day!!! 

Rich and I have the whole week together and have planned meals out and day trips to the seaside. Also I think Rich has a few surprises up his sleeve. 

However now I am going to bed to hopefully sleep off this hangover fingers crossed its gone by tomorrow!! 

Thanks for reading 

Just Kelly xx 

We Moved!!

As you can see by the title we moved!!

However, when I move again please remind me never to move during the months of February and March!!  The month of February is too short to pack and clean while decorating and cleaning the new house. Needless to say 3 weeks is not enough time!! Also as my husband is an aspiring accountant I will not see him very much in March as he will be working all the overtime seeing as its the end of the financial new year. So unpacking the boxes and settling into the new house has taken a while.

We have moved from a horrible dank and damp 1 bedroom flat to a 2 bedroom terrace house. We have gained two extra rooms, an extra bedroom (current junk room) and a dining room. Due to the old flat being a damp hole we have had to repurchase quite a lot and I have found out Dunelm Mill is a dangerous place!!

I'm hoping now I'm living in a more stable less damp house this is going to spur me on to feel a little better about myself and get back to doing things I love like writing and cooking.

On the subject of cooking I have started a new Instagram account called @tappertizers this has pictures of some of the new recipes and foods I am now cooking.

Below I will add some pictures of the home ware I have purchased recently.

Table and chairs from The Range

Salt and pepper shaker from Tiger

We got the kettle microwave and toaster from Dunelm Mill and is from the candy rose collection

Thanks for reading xx.

Life Update!! The year I'm turning 30!!!

Long time no Blog!!

 Last time I Blogged I was panicking about turning the big 3-0 and now its only 4 and a half months away and I have reached a calm about it.  

2016 is going to be the year of me I want to continue becoming healthier (17lb down yippeee) and fitter I want to start Aquafit and lots of walking. 

I have started a weight group called Weight Management its a NHS nurse led group where people who are in kind of the same boat go to weekly sessions and talk through and relearn ways to become healthier. Not just nurses telling you what to eat and what not to eat but, going through the reasons for overeating and slowly making you rethink how food works. I am on my 2nd session and already met others in the group and it seems its going to be a positive experience. 

I'm not going to be writing big massive life goals this year I'm going to write small weekly and monthly goals/challenges that by the end of the year will end up being very positive.

Goals for January are...

1) By the end of January walk half way to and back from work 4 times a week.

2) Loose at least 4lb and attend all weight management meetings.

3) Try 2 new recipes.

4) Blog more. 

Hopefully making small changes every month is going to make me healthier and happier. 

Well thanks for reading me waffling on.